2018

 

Same same but different. Every year starts out the same, clear mind, big aspirations. A whole new lease of life.

Yet here we are 1o days in and today I didn't want to do anything. I pushed myself and got ready to have a productive day, got up wen't out to do some christmas shopping (Really). When I simply did not want to be there, or anywhere, just wanting to be in bed silent from and to the world. So that's what I did, wen't home and slept. 

In all honesty I don't actually feel that huge sense of change on new year. Try as I might to go out and get into the spirit, I still end up walking home sober at 1 AM dreaming of my bed with no renewed sense of optimism. I find myself relieved and terrified that another year is over without my life having any purpose or direction. No way but up, or down, it could go either way really. 

I don't know what other people fear most, death, failure, death, drowning, spiders, etc. Mine is never finding purpose, something that is always brought up at this time of year. Sounds a bit pompous really, what does it all mean, why am I here. I promise I'm not that deep, I just feel as though I need a reason to wake in the morning. More than simply because it's what you do, I am lucky to be alive, shouldn't I do more with that? 

I guess I could just right today off and pretend it never happened, but however off today might have been. It happened, so I'll just have to pick my sorry self up and move on with it [Hopefully in an upward direction].